I feel bad for July 3rd. I mean, it’s nothing when compared to the 4th. And it doesn’t have any distinction like, say, Christmas eve is to Christmas day. If I were July 3rd, I’d be a bitter old bitch. If only those men in white whigs had gotten their act together a bit sooner; I mean, if they hadn’t been spending so much time in the taverns then perhaps I would be the nation’s birthday… lazy, drunken dissidents.

I propose that July 3rd be named John Ashcroft day. To place a day of mourning right before a day of great celebration would only heighten the importance of our independence. Furthermore, July 3rd would not be just another day, because we would all be encouraged to remember it, so that it may never happen again. Festivity alone is meaningless, and this new July 3rd / 4th pairing would explicitly address the triumph of freedom over tyranny.

But sadly, Mr. Ashcroft will still be AG this 4th of July. Perhaps we should begin this new day of mourning / holiday next year…. or so I hope.