The word premium has been completely over-used to the point where it is no longer at all meaningful.

For instance, McDonalds now offers its patrons “Premium Salads.” Wow, if I wanted a salad, McDonalds is the last place I’d go. And for McDonalds to even use the word at all in regards to any of its products is just absurd.

Outlet Shopping: A large outlet center in my state is owned by a company called “Chelsea Premium Outlets.” Wow! Granted they are outlets, but they are premium outlets. I might as well be shopping on 5th avenue, who knew?

Personals: Gay, Straight, Flexual, whatever. No matter what personals site you visit they will all offer you a free account! That’s right, free. But, a minor drawback of said account is that you wont be able to: view pictures of other eligible and interested singles, send them an email, or bookmark them for later perusal. It’s like a computer without a monitor. The computer, in theory, works just fine, but you have no way of knowing that. Sign up for a premium account and ye shall see the light!

CNN.com: Streaming Video = Premium content. So basically, instead of the web being this great democratizing force where everyone can access information, you now have to pay to watch the news. Premium news? Give me a break! Considering how bad the American media already is, why would anyone pay to listen to such tripe.

From now on I’m going to follow the model that, obviously, was received so positively in focus groups across the board. As of today, I am creating a Premium section of this website. I can’t tell you what is in the Premium section, because if you knew, there’d be no reason to sign up. And on that note, because this is the initial launch of the Premium section, the sign up fee will only be $19.99 a month, 32% off regular price.

As for you plebeian fools who chose not to sign up for Definition:Premium, all I have to say is “Ha-Ha!” From now on, you will only be able to read the first sentence of all my blog posts, and view only 30X30 pixel thumbnails of any images posted therein. While you are all squinting and squirming, I’ll be sitting here in my premium leather chair chomping down on a premium McSalad while watching premium Wolf Blitzer. So long, suckers.