What with the earlier discussion of vampires, I thought it would be interesting to write about a few less commonly known relatives of the common vampire. Everyone knows the horror-movie lore: Vampires are impeccably dressed, upper-crust Slavs with neck fetishes. But are they always? Widely varying tales of blood-drinking supernatural beings are found all over the planet, and have existed for thousands of years. Seems like everyone has a different story:

Chupacabra

One of the more modern mutations of vampires, with an X-Files-ish twist, is the chupacabra. While the name literally translates to “goat-sucker”, el chupacabra has also been known to attack birds and horses, leaving characteristic double puncture marks on the neck of the victim and occasionally excising organs with laser precision. It is described as having a sharp, panther-like face, rough grayish fur that could also be scales, and of course an impressive set of fangs. Some illustrations of the chupacabra give it facial features similar to that of the popular image of a Roswell alien.

Some just make it look as diabolical as can be: http://www.negativepositive.org/chupa.html

As you can see, they’re charming creatures.

While the chupacabra was first seen in Puerto Rico in the early 1990s, it’s been since spotted all over South America and occasionally in the Midwest, preying on farm animals and pets. Speculation on the origins of the chupacabra is generally colorful. Some believe that the chupacabra is a kind of wild dog, mutated from extensive interbreeding, while others think it was brought here by aliens, or escaped a government genetic engineering lab.

It’s not known to attack people, yet.

Algul

The Algul is an Arabian vampire, and appears as a female. The name literally translates to “blood-sucking jinn” or “horse-leech”. While it sucks blood like more mainstream vampires do, it differs in that it is a jinn, or demon, and was never human to begin with. Unkillable by most means, Algul can be destroyed by fire and sometimes magic.

Pennaggolan and Brahmaparusha

The Malaysian pennaggolan and Indian brahmaparusha lead the pack as far as sheer hideousness. In the interests of decency, I’ll refrain from describing them here. Should you be curious as to what these are and why they makes Hollywood’s Count Dracula look like Jeeves the Butler, there’s always Google. The literal meaning of Pennaggolan is “head with dancing intestines”. Enough said.

Gay Vampires

While Dracula favored women, anyone who’s read Anne Rice knows that real vampire covens are as diverse as a GLBT bowling league. Unfortunately, not every such vampire is as polished as Lestat. Elizabeth Bathory, a 16th-century Hungarian countess, enjoyed abusing her female servants and luxuriating in the blood of young women. Although her official excuse for her bloodbaths was that they preserved her youth, it’s been suggested that her penchant for attacking voluptuous lovelies had its roots in something more than just garden-variety psychotic meanness.

Some believe that Dracula was also gay, as was his creator Bram Stoker. From http://uk.gay.com/headlines/3887:

An Irish television programme to be aired tonight (Tuesday) suggests that both the fictitious vampire Dracula and his creator were gay.

Dracula’s Bram Stoker, to be shown on Ireland’s RTE1 tonight, claims that the Dublin-born creator of the story secretly loved men and that the vampire himself was also gay.

The author’s visits to the gothic cliff top Slains Castle, near Aberdeen, which were supposed to inspire the famous story, were largely fueled by homosexual fantasies, the programme alleges.

Possible candidate for Queer Eye? Why not?

Psychic Vampire Clowns

This is probably the most obscure form of vampire, as not even Google had anything on it. I know only two things about these unusual creatures: they seem to travel in packs and they need washing.

I first heard about psychic vampire clowns in mid-1998 or thereabouts, when a caller to the Art Bell late night radio show explained that his girlfriend was being tormented by them:

CALLER: Mornin’, Art. Earl from Kentucky here, love your show. Yeah, I’m callin’ about these, ah, these monsters what been terrorizin’ my girlfriend…horrible critters…them, er, psychic vampire clowns.

ART BELL: Ah….psychic what?

EARL: Yep, psychic vampire clowns. Dreadful critters, Art, we’re like to nearin’ our wits end. My girlfrien’, she’s just crazy.

ART BELL: That’s terrible, Earl. And what do they do, these, uh, psychic vampire clowns?

EARL: They mock her, you see. They come into her shack at night an’ sit on her bed, and they’re sayin’ “wash me, wash me”. That’s whut they do, an’ they do this every night. Vile disgustin’ things.

ART BELL: “Wash me, wash me”…oh my. What do you suppose they mean?

EARL: Well, y’see, her shack don’t have no runnin’ water, right? So she cain’t wash them.

ART BELL: Oh…oh, yes.

EARL: An’ they’re tellin’ her to wash them, but she cain’t, an’ it’s just horrible an’ upsettin’, see?

Psychic vampire clowns are said to live somewhere in Kentucky. Those in search of them might also consider checking the NYC subway.

That’s it for this very special Chris Report on diversity and multiculturalism in the supernatural community. We now return you to your semi-regularly scheduled overseas hijinks. Happy birthday Matt!