How do you cultivate happiness in your life? I ask because I have not been terribly happy of late. A lot of things have me stressed out: law school, new environment, new people, social pressures, lack of funds and a broken computer… I have been thinking about when the last time was that I was truly happy. In answering this, I am reminded of the reactions I got to some pictures of me with my host family in Uzbekistan. People commented that I looked really happy; I guess that a genuine smile is really quite different than a staged one. I don’t walk around with a sour face, but I’m not the smiley chatty type – I find that very difficult. Am I driving myself nuts trying to be someone I’m not? Am I too worried about how others perceive me or am I right to focus on improving my outward demeanor? At what point does the effort become counterproductive? All these things have me a little topsy turvy. I miss the familiar, both places and people. I like to be on my own but need a network to keep me going. I feel insular despite my grand travels. I am contradiction, hesitation. So tell me, do you relate?
A book I recommend is “Everyday Englightenment,” by Dan Millman. His main thesis, as I understand it, is that emotions come and go, unbidden, like the weather, and we can’t stop feeling a certain way or having our moods shift and change. What we can do is recognize the emotions… but control our conduct. For example, we may feel jealous, angry or lustful of, at or about someone, but we recognize the emotion within and yet conduct ourselves, nevertheless, like decent human beings. Another example: say you have a big test coming up and at times you are confident and other times you don’t think you are getting it at all. Recognize that such emotions and feelings come and go and cannot be banished or suppressed… but in the meantime, study your ass off. The author gives other examples: you may be scared to death, but you do what needs to be done anyway… that is bravery. You may despise someone, but you treat him or her kindly… that is kindness. You may envious of someone, but you don’t slander or undermine that person… that is decency. What is going on in your head doesn’t matter; your actions do. He says “fake it until you make it.” Be of good cheer, work hard and hope for the best. Take care of yourself and control what you can control. Focus on cultivating good humor, good morals and good habits and let the world take care of itself!
WD,
It’s perfectly normal to feel the way you do. Things haven’t exactly been that easy the past few years, and they may get worse.
3/4 of our nation is shaking in fear. The other 1/4 are too stupid to understand, and continue as normal, as our banking system nearly collapses – a depression is possible, etc
What we all need to do is keep calm, learn to be frugal, and consider alternatives in life choices that make sense in these times.
As to law school, you can and will succeed there.
David C
I’m happiest when I’m around people who I’m genuinely comfortable with and who I know respect me, doing something that I enjoy doing. Too much of the opposite and I start to feel pretty rotten.
It doesn’t surprise me that you were happier in PC. From what you said on your blog, I got the idea that a lot of the people you knew over there were on your level: smart, quirky, and interesting. Sounds like a largely different crowd in law school, and one that would probably drive me nuts.
This is one of those things that’s easy to dismiss as whining or personal laziness – you’d be happy if you “tried harder” or whatever – but it’s a lot more important than it seems, and I’ve come to believe that in some cases, there’s just a disconnect that has nothing to do with trying. That was one of the things that got to me about Trinity – the mainstream social scene seemed to be built around a level of superficiality that I couldn’t have mimicked if I’d wanted to, so I got the idea that I fundamentally didn’t have what it took to make friends over there. And I was completely confused, because I knew that I wanted friends, but I didn’t enjoy being around a lot of those people. It took me an unfortunately long time to figure out what should have been obvious: I’m happiest when I’m around people who I actually enjoy being around. That isn’t innate antisociability, that’s birds of a feather.
That, on top of all your other crap, does not sound like fun. Loneliness + boredom + stress = constant, low-level misery. It’s easy to ignore until it isn’t. Then things start looking hopeless.
I’ve been meeting local like-minded people – web designers and artists – via meetup.com. That’s worked out well so far. I don’t know what New Orleans is like, but I’d be willing to bet there are more interesting people over there than where I live, since at least it qualifies as a city. You might see if there are any Obama-parties in your area, also. Especially with the debate coming up, I bet there are going to be a few debate watching parties, not to mention get-togethers people host to phone swing-state voters. It wouldn’t surprise me if you met some interesting people that way. Hit his web site and see what’s nearby.
Socially, I’d be outgoing to the extent that I could get along with people. As far as trying to be ultra-social party dude, I wouldn’t bother with that and I doubt you need to either. I think it’s okay to be more reserved as long as you can still deal with people and you aren’t weird about it. People respect that, especially if you’re very intelligent, which you are. I noticed at Trinity that people tended to think I was smarter than I thought I was, because they never saw me drooling and swinging from rafters (good thing we graduated before Facebook got popular).
One of my favorite quotes is from Sydney Harris: “A winner would rather be admired than liked, although he would prefer both; a loser would rather be liked than admired, and is even willing to pay the price of mild contempt for it.” I’ve never heard of anyone actually admiring party animals for being party animals. These guys might be likable on a weekend, but no one’s going to go to them for meaningful conversation or advice. I can easily see you both admired and liked, since you’ve got the self-possession of the one and the wild side of the other.
I see what you’re saying about the contradiction, but I don’t think it’s a contradiction – I’d be feeling unsocial and insular too, if I didn’t have the options I wanted. Why force yourself to enjoy a lifestyle that you don’t really get much out of, especially when you already have an idea what actually makes you happy?
Overall, I think life is going to look a lot brighter after you find a few people who you actually enjoy being around and you can get out and go places with them. Amazing how fast that can change things. Hang in there – things will improve.
And give me a call about your computer troubles some time. I’m back to being healthy now.
Thanks everyone for the supportive comments. I do want to mention, though, that I did not intend this to be directed against any of my fellow law school classmates. I’ve met some great people (you know who you are,) and look forward to making the most of these stressful times!