Well ladies and gentlemen, I am finished with my first year of law school. It has been the most difficult thing I’ve done thus far, but I have made it out in one piece. What I really wanted to talk about, however, is unrelated. I recently had a bit of a blow up with this guy I liked, and think that it was largely my fault. While I was upset at something he said, I do not think I handled the situation well. While talking with my friend Bill about this today, he pointed out that I had reacted rather than responded. When I asked what the difference was, he just smiled and said, “it’s subtle.” Mind you, my reaction was fueled in part by alcohol and a late night celebrating the completion of finals, but I can not use these factors as a justification. Bill went on to explain that a response is something measured, something that doesn’t come immediately, but rather is a product of some deliberation. So my question to the readership is, how do you make sure to respond in situations where your first instinct might be to react in a dramatic fashion. What are your techniques for making sure you don’t do or blurt out what you ought not? In the cold sober light of day it is easy to review where one went wrong, but when passion and pride are involved, the animal instincts often spring into play, often overpowering out better nature.
I recommend “Getting to Yes” and “Getting Past No,” two books on negotiations, in business and life. In one of them a technique is called “Going to the Balcony.” Maybe the other side is deliberately trying to provoke you into a distracting, self-defeating loss of cool, or maybe it’s not calculated but the danger is still there. It is advised that you mentally remove yourself from the stage, to the balcony, and look on the situation as a detached observer might. Another book I have valued over the years is “Everyday Englightenment,” which advises us to understand that feelings (anger, lust, envy, despair, etc.) come and go, unbidden, like the weather. It is natural to have these feelings and important that you recognize that they are coursing through you. Remember, however, that what counts, what you can control, are your actions. You can be angry, for example, but need not speak or act accordingly. Or at times you may feel that you are just not getting the subject matter for an upcoming test; okay, recognize what your are feeling… but, meanwhile, keep studying. Feelings are real, but need not control your actions. Finally, from either Confucious or a fortune cookie, “if you are aguing with a fool, two fools are arguing.”