I’m entering a period of real oddness and contradiction now. Things are great and things suck. First off, what’s good. School – that is, my job is kinda moving more smoothly. I feel that we are getting more out of class, and that the trajectory there is positive. But, if we look at life outside of school, things just ain’t so hot. You are all probably sick of hearing the word Uzbekistan, but I really do miss what I had there. Here, my lifestyle is quite comfortable – that is, I have high speed internet at my apartment and hot water at the turn of a faucet. But that which makes one’s life really complete is missing. I miss not being a part of a family and I miss not having friends around. I don’t mean to bash the people here – indeed most of them have been quite nice – but as far as anything beyond that, I’m feeling cold. I just don’t feel like I’m in the Peace Corps… instead I feel like some American who is living here and doing a job. Though I know that quality relationships take time to form, I feel myself losing interest in doing so – and frankly, I don’t like that.

I have always been a person who is in a way contradictory. I am headstrong to a fault, but depend heavily on the support of those about whom I care – friends/family. Without getting too mushy, these things are the core of life. And though I’ve often felt like an outsider, many times in my life, here the feeling is simply more acute. Now, I talk with some of my friends here and other PCVs and find out this indeed is part of the whole experience, but I do feel, largely, disassociated from my own group even. Though perhaps it was partly my fault because of my extremely odd mental state when I first arrived here in RO this past summer, I can’t shake the feeling that – though it may be a comfortable place for me to be – it is not the right place for me to be.

And if I’m doing a job to pay the bills I guess that is one thing – but this is, or is supposed to be, much more. Although I enjoy the time I have to read and explore things I’d otherwise be too busy to do, part of me feels like something is not right. I don’t know where it all comes from; surely part of it is from myself – but in all honesty, one’s environment is crucial, and that just ain’t helping.

So what does it all mean. Am I being overly-sensitive? Giving up? Waiting for the magic bullet to just appear? Or, should I trust myself, and believe that what I feel at the gut level, though it may not be rational, is something to be respected? Is that irresponsibility or liberation? What I do believe is that it is hardly ever too late – what I’m not sure about is how it all translates.