Category Archives: Sad Facts

Living on a Prayer

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As I prepare to graduate in a month, I must admit that I’m not in the happiest of places. While some parts of New Orleans have been good for me (such as becoming a less inhibited dancer,) I never really fell in with any crowd here. During my first two years I attempted to host a lot of events, but due to a general lack of reciprocity, I just kinda threw in the towel.

I’m also getting tired of being single. Someone did recently captivate my heart; for our brief time together, I felt as if I had found my other half. But, as Hedwig so told, perhaps our destiny was but as “lonely two-legged creatures.”

Maybe it’s my itinerant lifestyle… I’ve become the consummate outsider. Still, I long for that which I’ve glimpsed in others; committed relationships that may indeed be separated by great distance. Either I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve or just looking around in my own world, too shy (shy).

While such pity parties are best not attended too often, I am mindful that insanity is often described as “doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result each time.” Is that me? As a deeply curious person, I’m always trying to learn from others and improve myself along the way.

In these uncertain times, I often feel adrift in an amoral universe, pushing forward with what little we know into a future we can not possibly comprehend. Maybe it’s time I made peace with such uncertainty and just enjoyed the ride… but that little voice always manages to rise above the din to ask: “but what are you doing?” I don’t have an answer. What would you say? What keeps you grounded? Have you settled?

So as I prepare to leave once again, to return to the unfamiliar, I can see the highway receding in the rear view mirror, flat and anonymous. Did I succeed or did I fail (both myself and others)? Did this journey take me forward or did it starkly expose my limits? Am I doing the right thing?

Dear reader, thanks for sticking this one out; its been difficult to write but I needed to do it. Wishing you well, from here, for now,

~WD

Reacting v. Responding

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Well ladies and gentlemen, I am finished with my first year of law school. It has been the most difficult thing I’ve done thus far, but I have made it out in one piece. What I really wanted to talk about, however, is unrelated. I recently had a bit of a blow up with this guy I liked, and think that it was largely my fault. While I was upset at something he said, I do not think I handled the situation well. While talking with my friend Bill about this today, he pointed out that I had reacted rather than responded. When I asked what the difference was, he just smiled and said, “it’s subtle.” Mind you, my reaction was fueled in part by alcohol and a late night celebrating the completion of finals, but I can not use these factors as a justification. Bill went on to explain that a response is something measured, something that doesn’t come immediately, but rather is a product of some deliberation. So my question to the readership is, how do you make sure to respond in situations where your first instinct might be to react in a dramatic fashion. What are your techniques for making sure you don’t do or blurt out what you ought not? In the cold sober light of day it is easy to review where one went wrong, but when passion and pride are involved, the animal instincts often spring into play, often overpowering out better nature.

Meow Mix

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Over the past few years I’ve made some dramatic choices in my life. I guess the most dramatic was joining the Peace Corps and venturing half way around the world for 2 1/2 years. Those times were tough but rewarding, and I don’t regret them at all. However, after I was finished with the Peace Corps I could have either gone right to law school or taken some time off. I decided to do the latter, and although I had originally wanted to do a cross-country road trip, I ended up taking a VISTA position in Maine. Thinking about that decision now, with just a few months left, I think I made a mistake.

I had hoped that Maine would be a rustic welcoming place, but instead I found it cold and suspicious. I imagine that part of the difficulty I experienced here was the fact that I was transitioning; we are warned by the Peace Corps that re-adjustment is a difficult process. But I can’t help but feel that I’ve wasted precious time here, and frankly that feeling just sucks. I have come to realize that I need to be in an environment that is more conducive to socialization. I’m not a giant party animal but I like to have things to do and a good group of friends to do them with (who doesn’t?) Unfortunately, as an outsider, I’ve had a really hard time establishing that here.

This lack has led me to question myself and since I tend to be my harshest critic, it’s kinda a depressing cycle. I have had my moments of expanding beyond my comfort zone, but things just haven’t clicked on a satisfactory level. Though there have been some great moments and people, these have been fragmented and too far in between. I yearn to belong somewhere and no longer be transient, but I haven’t found that place yet, and so continue to search, always looking out for what may lie just around the corner.

Good for You

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So when I was in high school I had just a few close friends. As it is, people drift away, taking their own paths in life. About two weeks ago I got a notice from one of my dear high school friends that he was engaged to be married – no further details. I wrote him back, and then this week got a response via email. In it he told me about how he would be getting married on Saturday and that the affair would be a, “Small-ish get-together, about 100 people of family, friends, coworkers.” Umm, okay. So, you are getting married this Saturday and write me about it on Tuesday? Am I wrong to be really offended/hurt here? I understand that we have not been in routine communication, but I feel like I’m being told that there is this great affair happening to which I am not important enough to be invited.

Down

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I’ve been trying pretty hard lately but have left feeling only bewildered. I am putting myself out there but don’t understand what I’m hearing in response. Sometimes I feel like my mouth and ears are disconnected from my brain leaving me only with my thoughts.